Discovery
by pseudonymical
Summary: Alan finds out about the Thousand Souls.  He does not react quite as Eric thought he would.
1. Discovery Ch1

AN: Second fic published is serious? This took about 2 hours to write, I'm not quite sure whether the repetition of words is good here or bad. So please read and review! Thank you! (by the way, sorry for my username change. I'm now "pseudonymical".)  
>Honestly, if my boyfriend was killing people, even if it was to save me, I'd be scared. :) So, this is how I thought Alan would react.<br>By the way, this will have more chapters, I can't just leave it like this.

* * *

><p><em> CLANG<em>. Alan Humphries swung his death scythe out to meet the blade of the Reaper who stood in shadow, deflecting it from the person who lay on the floor, moaning in fear. The blow was strong, almost too strong for the tiny Reaper, swinging both scythes into the ground. Alan's, below the other, cracked the stone they stood on. He couldn't see the face, nor anything, really, of his opponent, but he knew that the woman he'd just saved was not on the "To Die" list. This Reaper was out of line, and it was Alan's job to stop him. If only Eric were here-but he couldn't rely on Eric for everything, he was, after all, a fully-fledged Grim Reaper and could do his job on his own.

He squinted at the figure in the darkened alleyway. There was something... familiar about it. Almost as though Alan had seen it before. He didn't register the sawlike scythe pinning his own, although if he had, he would have known instantly the vigilante's identity. Yes, there was something familiar about the set of those shoulders, the hands, which he could see gripping the handle of the scythe.

"Alan?" The voice. The voice. He knew that, and his eyes flashed to the scythe. No. No, no, no. This couldn't be...

Eric Slingby stepped out into the dim circle of light cast by an overhead lamp. The quivering girl on the floor took the opportunity of his preoccupation to get up and run. Alan looked on in disbelief as the handsome Reaper spoke again.

"Alan. Oh, shit. Look, I can explain, I was just..." Eric removed his death scythe from Alan's, it hung at his side, not dragging, controlled by well-trained wrist muscles. Alan pulled his back as well, standing, staring in shock. Eric? His Eric was behind the unexplained deaths? "I was, um..." He faltered. Alan drew his own conclusions. Eric was killing people, people who'd done nothing wrong, who weren't scheduled to die. Why, Alan couldn't say, but it was happening. Why? Why would his Eric do this? Eric had, had touched him, kissed him, held him so gently, brushed his hair back from his forehead when he was having an episode with the Thorns. He'd been everything Alan could have hoped for in a lover, a friend, a partner.

But, undeniably, his Eric was a killer.

"Tell me, Eric, that this is a mistake. Tell me you thought she was on the list. Tell me I'm wrong for thinking you're a murderer!" Alan's voice steadily rose in pitch and volume. "Tell me..." He could feel his heart shattering.

"Alan... Oh, damn, I didn't mean for you to find out like-"

"There is _no_ good way for you to tell me that you kill innocent people, Eric! If you can't tell me you haven't done it, tell me why!" His voice rung with fury, he was sure he sounded more commanding than he ever had. It would be easy, so easy, for Eric to lie to him. So easy. Eric had been lying to him for months, apparently.

Alan could forgive him many things, but this? This was unforgivable.

"I did it... I did it for you, Alan." Eric sounded almost sorry, so sincere. Was he lying?

"What?" Alan looked at him, eyes wide. "For me? You'll have to lie better than that to fool me, Eric Slingby! That doesn't even make sense!"

"I'm not lying, and it does make sense. You have the Thorns, but If I take a thousand human souls, I can exchange them for you! It's a cure, Alan, you're going to be well again. I just have to finish..." Eric trailed off, looking at Alan intensely. No, no, no... It wasn't true, it couldn't be. But even if it was false, Eric sounded as though he believed it. Was it possible? Alan's mind raced. Even if he did have some kind of... _cause_, nothing could excuse what Eric had done. Nothing.

Eric stepped towards him, an arm outstretched as though to take his hand. Alan recoiled, backing away, past the other body lying in the alley, the one he'd been too late to save. Eric's eyes widened.

"Alan...?" He took another step forward. Alan backed into the wall of the alley, dirty brick pressing into him.

"Don't touch me!" The words sounded broken, even to him. His Eric was funny, and kind, and Alan felt safe near him. This Eric couldn't possibly be his Eric, because Alan felt scared to be around him, and there was blood on Eric's outstretched hand. Blood.

"You're... afraid of me..." Eric's voice was rough, his face showed an extreme of hurt. "Afraid... sweetheart, I'm no different than I was this morning, or this afternoon. I'm not going to hurt you. I would never hurt you."

"Don't call me that!" Alan burst out, crushing himself into the wall. "Not... not anymore!" He raised his scythe in Eric's direction. "Don't come...any closer..." He could feel the start of tears. He couldn't cry, not now, no matter how badly Eric had hurt him. He had to... get out of here. He couldn't be near this Eric. Maybe, if he escaped and went to bed, it would all turn out to be a terrible, terrible nightmare.

"Alan. Alan, please, listen to me!"

"I've heard enough of you! You are different! You're... you killed them, Eric..." He pointed at the man on the ground. "You killed him, and you were going to kill that woman, and you've killed hundreds of people, and, and... And I never knew, you lied to me... You lied to me, Eric, and you killed! And then you came home to me, and kissed me, and acted like nothing was wrong... I let you touch me, Eric, with your hands that have blood on them." Eric flinched at each sentence, as though Alan's words were bullets, burying themselves in his flesh. He wiped his dirty hand on his pants.

"I did what I had to do, Alan. I can't let you die, not like this, I can't lose you, don't you see-"

"I see perfectly well. I see a man who I used to love. I'm not worth a thousand innocent people. I'm not worth it, Eric, no one is. No one. How many of the people you've killed have been children? How many? Have you lost count? How many were pregnant, or in love? How many people have you killed, Eric?"

"472." Eric's words fell quietly into the alley. It was as though the night had stopped moving, and there were only the two of them in the world. Eric had made him feel like this before, like it was only them together, but he'd always been so happy to feel that way before. Now, Alan didn't want to be alone with him. Never again. He was angry, so angry, at this man in front of him, and frightened of him, too. And, for the first time in his life, Alan really wanted someone to hurt like he was hurting. He wanted Eric to feel the pain that he was feeling.

"You... you bastard!" Alan would admit it, he wasn't much of an insulter. He didn't really know how to make Eric hurt. "Bastard" was probably the worst thing he'd ever called anybody... Predictably enough, Eric didn't get mad, he didn't look hurt. More hurt, that is, he had looked deeply wounded when Alan had refused his touch. "Stay away from me!" He jumped forward off the wall, past Eric, who extended an arm to catch him, stop him. He dodged it, running, running.

_I have to get away from here._


	2. Deliberation Ch2

Hooboy. Part two of "Discovery". Totally didn't know what to have Alan decide, so there's going to be a part three. I have some vague ideas, but this is the first thing I've ever done that wasn't a oneshot, so plot rather escapes me. Please read and review! Thanks 3 And don't be too mean, I killed myself to write this. Still wondering whether the first part is necessary. But after I'd written it, it almost hurt to delete it, so I didn't. (Also, I think I made Grell OOC. Sorry ) (AND IT SOUNDS LIKE THE BEGINNING OF "What's Wrong Here?" IN THE BEGINNING. BLAH.)

* * *

><p>There was something terribly wrong with Eric. They'd all noticed it. There'd been something wrong with him since Alan had transferred...<p>

"Will, why _did_ Alan transfer?" Grell asked, looking up at the thin, dark man next to him. It had been about a week ago, Alan had suddenly come in to work and slapped down a transfer request form on Will's desk. Why he would want to transfer, no one was sure, but as all the paperwork had been in order, he was gone.

"He said something about the work in this unit being too much, with the Thorns." Ron answered for their supervisor. "I think he's got a desk job over in the academy."

"But weren't you pulling him from the hard stuff?" Grell, ever quizzical, said."I don't think so. I think it's got something to do with Eric." All three of their gazes fell on the desks near the back of the office. Eric's, and, backing up to it, the desk that used to be Alan's. A new Reaper had been assigned as Eric's partner, and they appeared to be at odds. They'd never seen Eric say a word past "That's Alan's desk!" to the other man since he'd gotten there. And once they'd explained about Alan's transfer, he'd looked like someone had hit him and proceeded to be incredibly bad-tempered all day. Now, he was coming into work unshaven and disheveled. Grell knew, with what he would like to call a woman's observational powers, that he hadn't changed his clothing since yesterday.

The new member of their office was working, throwing an occasional glance at the man at the desk across from his, waiting for Eric to acknowledge him. Eric was working as well. That was strange in and of itself. However, on closer examination, despite the fact that his pen moved constantly across the paper, Grell could see that he wasn't actually filling out his work. The redheaded Reaper wasn't sure what he was drawing exactly, but it was probably a doodle of Alan or something like that. He couldn't ask. Well, he could, but Eric hadn't really spoken to any of them past a cursory word or two since Alan had left. Yes, Alan's transfer definitely had something to do with his partner. Now, if only Grell could find out what.

Beside them, Will said something about finishing his work, and left. Without him, Ron seemed to feel awkward standing next to Grell's desk, and went back to his own. Grell looked back at his paper, thinking about the office problem rather than his work.

Eric sat at his desk, mostly staring at his paper and scribbling darkly on the form. He knew he looked a mess, and he'd seen the other Reapers staring at him, but he was beginning to get used to it. He'd spent the night sitting in the corridor outside Alan's flat. The younger man had changed the locks, or he would have just walked in, but forcing the door would only result in Alan's becoming more terrified of him. So, he'd waited for Alan to come out of the flat so he could talk to him, but when his former partner had emerged in the morning, he'd brushed past Eric and refused to even acknowledge his presence, leaving without a word.

The people who'd built Alan's building should really have made the walls stronger, Eric's foot had gone right through.

Fact was, he'd barely seen hide or hair of Alan since the younger man had caught him. But, damn it, he was trying to help Alan! Trying to cure him! Why did Alan refuse to see that it _was_ worth it? Eric would do anything, anything, to save Alan, he'd even told the other Reaper that! In hindsight, Alan had laughed, perhaps thinking it was a joke. He had known that Alan wouldn't approve of his method, but it was the only way he had been able to find, and he'd been sure he could survive his lover's anger. Sure that Alan would come to realize that Eric had done it out of love, that it was a good thing.

Well, not a good thing. Never a good thing. Eric wasn't an animal, he didn't _enjoy_ killing. But again, it would be worth it to save Alan. A thousand souls would be nothing if it meant he'd get to have Alan for eternity. Of all the reactions he'd imagined Alan would have-occasionally, in his wild fantasies, immediate gratitude- this had been one he'd not planned for. Of every reaction Eric was sure he could survive, this one had somehow slipped through the cracks.

Fear. Fear. Alan was _afraid_ of him-actually afraid! As if he would ever do anything that would hurt Alan, as if he would touch him in any way not filled with love. Never, never, never. Eric clenched his fist in frustration. The pen snapped, splattering ink all over his shirt and desk.

"Shit!" He exclaimed, standing up. The other three people in the room, who he'd been ignoring, all looked at him. Grell seemed to find it intensely amusing-stupid flamboyant redhead. Ron looked a little scared of his reaction. Eric laughed, a hollow sound even to him. Everyone was scared of him lately. The _other_-Alan's...replacement... it was hard even to think it- stood up and came over with a cloth.

"Let me help you-"

"Fuck off!" Eric snarled. "I don't need your help." The man stiffened, offended. Eric couldn't bring himself to care. This man wasn't Alan, that was Alan's job, to worry, and fret over him, to sit in the desk opposite him. This man wasn't Alan, however much he might look like him, something Eric was sure Will had orchestrated. He wasn't Alan, and he never would be. Eric pushed past him, heading for the door.

"That was rude." Grell said quietly as he passed. That, too, was Alan's job, chastising him when he was rude. Why was Alan doing this? Eric made the turn into the bathroom, stopping in front of the mirror. _Damn it all, I look awful._ He contemplated his death scythe-he'd thought about shaving with it once, and was thinking about trying again. That other time, it had been mostly a joke for Alan, he remembered with a pang. Alan had giggled in that infectious way he had, and he had taken the scythe away from him. He'd known that Eric wouldn't _really_ try it, or he would have been much more stern.

Eric's reflection looked back at him, rumpled, splattered with ink, unshaven. _I look as though I've gone crazy_. And, in a way, he supposed he had. Who knew he had depended so much upon Alan, had _needed_ him to be here so much? _I'm going to go see him,_ Eric thought to himself, _he needs to listen._.. He thought briefly about waiting another day, going home, cleaning himself up. No, he needed to do this now.

He walked down the hall, ignoring stares at his unkempt appearance, attempting to project the confidence Alan had always told him he usually had. Confidence, he was sure, that had vanished when Alan had left. He swung into the Academy part of the building, walked up to the front desk.

"I need to know which room Alan Humphries is working in." He said abruptly to the person sitting at the desk, not looking at them, but rather at the display on the wall behind the desk, scrutinizing the room charts. There was no response, no clicking keyboard, and Eric focused a bit more on the person at the desk, who wasn't doing their job. "Alan!" The other man had frozen, looking at him. Anger and fear in nearly equal measures reflected in his eyes. There was something else there too, something Eric had seen in Alan's eyes before. He couldn't quite identify it, but it gave him some hope that Alan might listen to him.

"Laura, please cover the desk for a bit." Alan's voice was a little higher than usual. "I need to, um, do something." He stood, and the woman behind him smiled and took his seat. Eric felt an unnatural surge of jealousy. He had always been so confident that Alan was _his_, to be uncertain was disconcerting. Alan took him by the arm, clearly attempting a somewhat violent grip. It didn't hurt at all-Alan was just not strong enough to hurt Eric, he never had been. He dragged Eric to an empty classroom. "What do you _want_, Eric, why won't you leave me _alone_, haven't I made it _clear_ to you- Why are you covered in ink?" Eric usually would have laughed at Alan's distraction, but he didn't feel much like laughing anymore, hadn't since Alan had left.

"Pen broke." He said bluntly. "I'm sorry I look awful, sweetheart, but-" He paused at the somewhat venomous look in Alan's eye. "Sorry. I won't call you... Um, I needed to, you need to listen, please Alan." He'd prepared something to say, vaguely, but as soon as they were alone, the words had left his head.

"I'm not going to tell anyone, as long as you've stopped." Alan's words didn't make sense, what was he talking about? "If that's what you came to say, then leave, please." He sounded far more composed than Eric felt, although fear was still apparent in his eyes. Alan was brave, Eric had always thought so, braver than he was. To go into this room, when he was clearly terrified of the other occupant, to face a sickness he knew would surely result in death. If Eric had found himself facing the Thorns of Death, he knew he would have become a bitter mess, much like he was now. Alan somehow found it within himself, the hidden strength that Eric missed so much, to be cheerful and polite to everyone. Suddenly he had things he needed to say to Alan, but first he had to respond to the puzzling statement.

"What do you mean, tell anyone?"

"I mean I'm not going to tell anyone about... you know. The souls. As long as you stop. Now. If one more report of a missing soul comes in, I'll have to tell them. I'm not going to tell them now, because... because... never mind why." _Because you feel like you owe me that_. Eric finished the sentence in his head.

"That's not what...I don't care...well, I do, but that's not what I need to say." the words seemed to have left him again. Now it was Alan's turn to be puzzled, although he shook it out of his mind and spoke again, his words unusually blunt and to the point.

"Eric, I want you to leave, right now, and I don't want you to come back. If you have something to say, say it, because I know you won't leave until you have. I don't want to see you at my flat again, and I want you to stay in the office, and work with your new partner. I want you to stay away from me, Eric, because I'm scared of you, and I'm very, very angry." There was that bravery. It took a strong man to admit that he was afraid. The bravery that nearly broke Eric's heart, because he knew that if he did what Alan said, he'd probably never come in contact with that bravery again.

"Alan, I didn't enjoy what I did, I didn't like it, but it was worth it to me." Eric said, the words finding themselves, sliding off his tongue. "You're worth it to me. I didn't come to ask you not to tell anyone, I came to tell you that... that I love you, Alan, and your leaving has just about killed me. I mean, look at me, I'm messy, I'm covered in ink. I can't concentrate on my work-"

"You wouldn't have done your work anyway." Alan said, a smile quirking his lips for a millisecond before he remembered that he was mad at Eric. Despite what he'd seen and what he now knew, he couldn't help but feel almost as though he had _his_ Eric back-the one who didn't kill, who made him feel safe. Around this Eric, he had an almost uncontrollable urge to joke, and laugh, and... crawl onto his lap, burrow into his arms, and pour out his problems to the other man, as he'd done many times before. Only this time, Eric _was_ the problem. Eric had seen his mouth twitch, though, he couldn't have missed it, he was studying Alan's face so intently. Alan could see hope sparkle in those green eyes.

He'd always loved Eric's eyes. Eric controlled his emotions, possibly more than he knew. He was quick to anger, or joke, but he never showed weakness if he could help it. Eric's eyes, though, seemed uncontrollable, Alan saw the restrained emotions in them, fear after Alan had had an attack, nervousness the first time he'd kissed his partner. Alan had seen many things in Eric's eyes, and he was adept at identifying the feelings that passed through them. And now, standing in this empty classroom, he saw hope. Hope of what?

"Swee- Alan, I'm sorry I did it, I have been since I started, but... It's like I said, you're worth it to me. I can't lose you, Alan, I can't." He sounded so truthful, but how could Alan ever trust him? Alan would have loved, before, to have Eric saying words much like this. However, in the light of discovery, the words didn't seem so sweet. Eric was a killer, nothing could change that, he'd killed literally hundreds of people. Alan knew, but with Eric standing here, looking so...broken, it was hard to stay angry. Those beautiful eyes were like those of a child, pleading, begging for forgiveness. Even the crushing fear he had felt earlier was vanishing.

He had known, known for a long time, that he loved Eric. He loved the Eric who whispered sweet things in his ear, who put an arm around him, who held him close when he was having an attack. He'd known when he ran away from Eric, almost a week ago, figured it out through the long, sleepless night, that he still loved Eric. But, he couldn't, didn't, wouldn't ever condone Eric's murders. And, since he knew he loved Eric despite the fact that he no longer wanted to, he'd transferred to avoid falling for him again, forgiving him.

Alan had forgiven Eric for many things. Eric wasn't perfect, though sometimes he had seemed that way to his partner. He'd forgiven Eric when he'd come home drunk, when he'd turned off the alarm clock and made them late for work. He'd forgiven Eric when he'd kissed him in the office. There were many things that Eric had done, little things, that Alan had forgiven him for. This, this was not little, nor could Alan forgive it. He knew he couldn't forgive it. But there were two Erics, it seemed, and he was only angry at one of them.

So it was hard, very hard, to ignore the pleading Eric, _his_ Eric, that was still talking, though Alan hadn't been listening for a while now. _His_ Eric, who looked so sorry, and, when Alan tuned in a little, was promising never to do anything like it again.

"I won't... I won't kill any more, Alan, if you'll just take me back. I'm sorry, I swear. It was just, I couldn't, I couldn't stand to not do anything about it. I'm sorry, Alan." _Sorrysorrysorry._.. Eric's words blended together in his head. Part of him longed to just forgive him, to pretend it had never happened. Another part thought he should leave, now.

_He needs to go. He had his chance, he blew it._

_ But he's sorry. Look at him, you can see how sorry he is._

_ He looks sorry, sure. But that doesn't change anything. He lied to you, and he could be lying to you again. You don't know._

_ That's true, but... he looks so sincere..._

_ And when he came home and told you he was sorry he was late, that he'd had overtime, he looked sincere then, too, and look what he was really doing._

_ But..._

_ No buts. You have to turn him down cold. Be a man, Alan, you don't need him. Not after what he did to you. Or are you forgetting that you're still scared of him?_

_ But... He looks so... I can't just... _

_ You can._

It was just... Eric. It had been difficult, this week. Waking up in his bed, without Eric's arms encircling him, going to work without Eric, not seeing him _at_ work, even. Difficult to control just the tiniest surge of jealousy when he'd seen Eric walking with his new partner. A partner, Alan had thought, who looked almost eerily similar to himself. Probably William's work, trying to make Eric's transition a little easier. Despite the fact that Eric hadn't been smiling at the new Reaper, had in fact been looking almost adorably surly, Alan had fought the urge to go up to them and pull his replacement away from Eric.

The blonde in front of him had fallen silent, apparently finished. There was a faint blush on his cheeks which he hadn't been able to marshal. Alan almost wished he had been listening, there were relatively few things that could make Eric blush, and he'd missed it. Alan opened his mouth to tell Eric his decision, to tell him to get out, because, really, this man... he couldn't be around him. But, in the light of day, without a bloodied body laying between them, Eric didn't seem scary at all. Even so, Alan had to put his foot down sometimes, and this was... _You cannot stay with Eric. You cannot take him back. He is a killer. He is a liar. He will hurt you._

"I'll have to think about it." The words from Alan's mouth frustrated him. That wasn't his decision! He had made a decision, he didn't need to think about it! Why, oh why, did his heart pick today to take control of his mouth? Why couldn't he look at the facts?

Eric would usually have considered those words promising, perhaps even a "yes" disguised as a "maybe". But the icy tone in which they were delivered put him off. He wasn't sure exactly where Alan stood on this. He wasn't sure.

He had always been sure about Alan.

Always.

Sure he loved Alan.

Sure he would do anything to save him.

Sure he couldn't bear to lose him to those accursed Thorns.

But now, he wasn't sure. He wasn't sure, and that frightened him.

"Now, leave." Alan finished. "I have to go back to work."

As soon as Eric left, he collapsed into a chair.

_Remember that he's a killer. Always remember._

* * *

><p>Agh! How'd I do?<p> 


	3. Decision Ch3

AN: Aw, shit. This one isn't very good, I don't think. I kind of rushed it because I had the idea and had to finish it. Please read and review. I'm sorry, I don't think Eric would give it up so fast. And...AGH. This is pretty terrible. I'm sorry.

* * *

><p><em>He's a killer, Alan.<em>

_I don't care!_

_He broke the rules, and not only did he break them, he broke them by murdering hundreds of people and lying to you. And then he used you as an excuse, made you feel responsible._

_But I love him!_

_You _loved_ him. It's different. You can't honestly still want him after this._

_But I do want him! I can't just stop loving him in an instant!_

_So just _start_ getting over it now. _

_I can't. I think I'm going to forgi-_

_ You can never forgive this, Alan. Never._

_ But I might be able to-_

_ Remember. Remember what you saw._

Alan stared at the finished paperwork on his desk, almost not seeing it. A few days had passed since their confrontation, and he couldn't stop thinking about Eric. At first, he'd merely been undecided. Now, he seemed to have split into two minds-one that desperately wanted Eric back, and one that desperately wanted to get rid of him forever. It was becoming hard to concentrate on anything except this. How very unprofessional! William, had Alan still worked for him, would have been very disappointed that he could allow love troubles to get in the way of his work. But, Alan thought, it wasn't _really_ just a love trouble-Eric had done something heinous as well, that made it somewhat of a personal and work dilemma.

Thinking about William again... as much as Alan thought about Eric, he had also found himself, recently, thinking about the other Reapers in his former unit. Grell, whose antics infuriated William and largely amused his coworkers. Ron, who, talked back to Grell, but never William, and seemed to respect Alan, something Alan was somewhat unfamiliar with. William, who, no matter how rigidly he controlled his unit, really cared about their well-being. He missed all of them, and occasionally found himself wondering what they would think about his situation. And Eric.

Eric. Alan waved goodbye to the Reaper who manned the next desk shift. He put his suit jacket on, headed for the door. Eric. No person had ever occupied Alan's mind this much. What the heck was he going to do about Eric? Alan stepped out onto the grounds of the Dispatch Center and Academy. He was practically on the other side of the campus from his old office, which was why he'd applied to the Academy. His job now was so much more boring than his old one, and... There was no Eric. He sighed. Why, oh why, did that have to figure into _everything_? How long had Eric been the focal point of his life?

Thinking about the other man as he was, he could hardly miss him when he walked by. Alan hugged the building, hoping Eric wouldn't notice him, as he passed a mere twenty feet away with his new partner. Alan, for the third time-which was how many times he'd seen them walking together- wanted to pull the replacement away. His ears strained, even as he tried to make himself as inconspicuous as possible.

"We've got to collect these eleven-these two are only four minutes apart, we should probably split up for those-" The replacement spoke. Denker, Alan thought his name was. Jeffery Denker. He had hair roughly the same length as Alan's own, though it was noticeably lighter in color. He was about Alan's height, a little taller, maybe. Their faces were different, but, clearly, there was a resemblance. "And then this one's going to go right at the end of our shift, it's a baby. What do you do with those, I was never very good about remembering that. It's different, right?" Denker sounded nervous, and he hung on the silence, waiting for Eric's answer.

"Figure it out yourself, rookie." Eric said, his tone not concealing rudeness at all. "I'm not your mommy, you went to the Academy." When Alan had been Eric's partner, that would have earned a smack on the arm. But Eric would never have spoken to Alan that way. If it had been directed at anyone else, Alan would have tugged on Eric's shirt or elbowed him, and issue a reprimand. But... Denker was silent. He flushed, looking incredibly hurt. Eric didn't even look at him. Alan felt, all at once, sorry for Denker, annoyed at Eric's cruelty, and... happy? Yes, there was a fierce joy that Eric wasn't friends with his new partner, was not enjoying Alan's replacement.

"I'll, um, meet you at the gate at 7, then, to be there in time for the first." Denker's voice was close to tears, Alan could tell, as he wrapped the "To Die" list close to his chest and split off from Eric. Alan waited until Eric was around the corner, then ran to catch up with Denker.

"Hey! Mr. Denker!" He didn't actually know Denker, and currently he ranked below his replacement, so he had to use the honorary. Denker turned around, stopping. His eyes were somewhat red. Alan jogged up to him. "I'm Alan Humphries, it's nice to meet you-" _But stay away from Eric... No, Alan, he can't do that, they're partners._

"Oh!" Denker cut him off. "You were Mr. Slingby's last partner, weren't you?" He was clearly trying hard to sound like he hadn't just been crying.

"Yes. I couldn't help hearing you two before, and..."

"I suppose we were rather loud." Denker cut him off again. Noticing Alan's raised eyebrow, he quickly backtracked. "I'm sorry, people say I talk too much, I just... sorry. Go on."

"Well, I heard you, and I'm sorry he was so rude. He can be kind of a jerk." Even though Alan was no longer Eric's partner, he was still apologizing for him. The thought was funny in a bitter way, Alan knew his consequent smile was a little tight. He explained to Denker what to do about the infant soul he was supposed to collect, although he knew Eric wouldn't have actually let him screw up. Eric would have been much less nice about doing it, however.

"Thanks, Mr. Humphries-"

"Alan." Alan was the one to end Denker's speech this time.

"Thank you... Alan." Denker smiled. Alan noticed with a surge of jealousy that when he smiled, Denker was far better-looking than he himself ever had been. Alan had never been handsome, per say, although Eric had always told him he was beautiful. Eric. Always back to Eric. "I'm dealing with Mr. Slingby OK, although he is kind of rude. I hear you left because of illness, I think he hopes you come back soon, though you don't look ill to me..."

"I wouldn't, you can't see it. I won't be coming back." _I think._

"Oh, well, I'm sorry about that. He really misses you, you know?" Denker turned and walked away, throwing a goodbye over his shoulder. _Away from Eric, he's a lot less of a pushover_. Alan thought, walking across the grounds in the direction of his flat.

"I'm a jerk, huh?" A man stepped out of the shadows. _Just like before, just like the night you caught him, stepping out of the shadows_. Eric. He was at least shaved today, not splattered in ink. Clean. A cigarette stuck out of the side of his mouth. _I thought you quit those_. Alan looked at him as coldly as he could.

"Figure it out." He mimicked the cruel tone of voice Eric had used on Denker. Eric sighed, taking the cigarette out of his mouth and exhaling a ring of smoke. That had always impressed Alan, as much as the habit was irritating. Eric knew that, that was why he had done it.

_See, he's manipulative even now! _

_I'm not ready to make the decision._

_Or am I?_

Alan had a frantic mental battle as Eric began to speak. "Alan. I've apologized more times than I can count. I've told you I'll be different. What else do you want me to do? I'm-figuratively-on my hands and knees, begging you to take me back. Tell me what to do. I'll do anything." He leaned back against the building, slipping back into shadow a little. Alan couldn't see his eyes, and all of a sudden, he _needed_ to see his eyes. He needed to see them, because maybe, just maybe, he could see if Eric was telling the truth. He sounded very sincere, although it might have looked better if he weren't smoking. Eric seemed to realize this, because he paused his hand on the way back to his mouth with the thing. Alan still couldn't see his eyes, but he felt certain Eric was glancing longingly at the cigarette. Finally, Eric sighed-blowing more smoke out- and dropped it, grinding out the ember with his shoe.

"You're littering."

"I'll stop littering for you." Eric's voice was humorous, but Alan felt certain he'd do it at the slightest word from his-_former?_-lover. What to do, what to do? His decision wasn't made yet... _Make it now, Alan_.

Eric knew Alan couldn't see his eyes. It was purposeful. He didn't want Alan to be able to read him, as he knew the smaller man could do. There was an exhale from his former partner, and his eyes were drawn to Alan. The younger man was biting his lip, indecision clear in his face, his hands trembling. _Don't stress yourself into an attack, sweetheart... No matter what you're worth to me, I'm never worth that_... He watched Alan deliberate, wondering whether or not to stay silent or try to make some argument in his favor.

"Come here." Alan said, taking a step back. Eric obeyed, moving forward. Alan could see his eyes now, he felt certain, which was what the brunette wanted. "Now...tell me..."

"-anything-"

"Shut _up_, Eric." A familiar tinge of frustration colored Alan's voice, almost making Eric smile. Almost. "Tell me that you're sorry-no, look at me." Eric looked straight into Alan's eyes, trying to keep his gaze steady.

"I'm sorry, Alan. For lying to you. And the souls. I'm sorry."

"Good enough. Now, tell me that you won't do it again, promise me."

"I promise I'll never take another soul unauthorized." This time he worked hard to look as sincere as possible, although it felt like Alan's eyes were boring into his soul. It was only a pleasant feeling during romantic moments, he reflected, now it was just kind of frightening. _Frightened? Eric Slingby, frightened by a man half my size? By Alan?_

"Don't lie to me again, Eric."

"Yes."

"Now... I'll give you... one more chance..." Eric relaxed a little, looking at Alan. There was still a bit of fear left in his eyes. It was unlikely that Alan would trust him again right away. Perhaps impossible. He would have to earn back the trust. Have to fight not to lose his temper in front of Alan, not to scare him. The worst moment of Eric's life, he was certain, was standing in that alleyway, Alan backed against the wall, with fear in his eyes. In fact, it was likely that their relationship would never return to exactly the way it was.

"I love you, Alan." Eric's voice was husky. The first true sentence he'd said in a while. He _was_ sorry about lying to Alan, and taking the souls. He really was. But, to say he wouldn't lie to Alan again? And that he wouldn't take a soul unauthorized? Those promises, he wouldn't be able to keep. Of course he was lying.

He still had to save Alan.

It hurt Eric, deeply, to look him in the eyes and lie to him, even though Alan didn't trust him anymore. It would hurt more _if_ Alan ever trusted him again, to know he wouldn't deserve it.

But he still had to save Alan.

He'd just have to be more careful this time. Go outside his normal working area, perhaps wipe some souls from the Reaper records before collecting them. No souls could be recorded missing. Alan would know it was him.

Yes, he'd have to be very, very careful.

It would slow him down a lot, and be a lot more trouble.

But Alan was worth it.

If he were caught again, their relationship would be totally destroyed, and Eric knew that. But, if you loved someone as much as he loved Alan... How could you stand by and watch them die when there was something, maybe, that could save them? Wasn't it worth it, even if Alan hated him? Eric knew he would be utterly miserable, much as he had been for the past week and a half, if Alan hated him, but... Wasn't it worth it all if Alan was _alive_ to hate him?

Because surely there could be no worse world than one in which Alan was dead.

So, Eric looked at Alan, and he lied to him. _I'll never take another soul unauthorized. I won't lie to you again. I wish that were true._

Alan would find out someday, when he woke up and the scars were dead, and the pain was gone. Eric knew he would find out, but still...

Alan was worth anything.

Anything.


End file.
